Raising kids ungendered

This is a guest post from Tamara Olsen, who is featured in our April edition of the magazine!! Read her story here in the magazine: http://joom.ag/wiYQ

It was the day before Thanksgiving and I was twenty weeks pregnant, half-way there! It was the glorious stage where morning sickness had subsided, but my cute little baby bump wasn’t blocking my view of my toes yet. We were at the OBGYN’s office for the mid-pregnancy utlrasound. We oohed and awed as each of our baby’s tiny features came into view. Near the end of the tour, out technician asked if we wanted to know the *gender.

I hesitated. I had been going back and forth since we found out we were expecting. I wanted so badly to avoid the heavily gendered baby products that seemed to fill department stores shelves. And I knew that if no one knew what we were having, they would stick with the more tasteful, gender neutral options. But I’m terrible at surprises and couldn’t stand not knowing, so I said yes.

“Look at that flag pole, a real third leg! Looks like you’re having a boy!” Even amidst my excitement, I couldn’t help but cringe at his delivery. We were having a boy! There was the option to find out and not tell, but I’m also terrible at secrets. Plus, I figured our friends and family knew us well enough that I didn’t really need to worry.

Well I was wrong. The very first baby outfit we received was a pair of camo pants matched with a onesie that said, “Ladies Man”. We got another set that featured bulldozers and the phrase “Tough Like Daddy”. What if my son didn’t want to be tough or a flirt or any of the other stereotypes these products encouraged. I felt like dressing him in these clothes and surrounding him with all “boy” products would be telling him that I expected him to be a certain way.

Children learn who they are through play. They can imagine a million different worlds where they play a million different roles. If I, as a parent, purchase only toys and clothing designated for boys, I limit those roles. I began to shape my son into a specific little boy mold that society has perpetuated through these products. And I worry that if he didn’t fit this mold, he would feel out of place or even inferior.

He is only seven weeks old. So for now, I can control everything that enters his little world. I can filter out anything that I feel like supports these stereotypes. But I know I can’t do that forever. I hope he grows to be discerning enough and confident enough to do this for himself. That he won’t be swayed by the idea that pink packaging is off limits. I hope that he can take a stance and show his peers the joy of living outside of these pervasive restrictions. I hope he can be an example.

Societal change for the kids

Elizabeth Sweet, an expert on the gendering of toys, after a lot of research on the topic at UC Davis, brings up an interesting point in the video that is in April's edition of the magazine (and linked below). She talks about how kids not only feel like they are put into a box by labels for girls and boys things (she tells the story of her daughter wanting a dinosaur lunchbox until she sees that the tag reads "Boy lunchbox) and has to be convinced to take it) but that they are the ones who deal with the ridicule of going down the girl aisle in a toy store, if they are a boy — and vice versa — and they are the ones who have to "sacrifice a part of themselves," as she says, to be what is supposed to be normal in society, if that isn't naturally how they feel about the things they like. That is something huge to ask, and isn't really fair.

This is why we need to be aware of stores that HEAVILY gender toys and aisles for kids, since this can be a way they forcibly change the way they feel or act, due to what they see society strictly saying to them.

Target, even Walmart, have made some changes, and there are so many online stores selling any toys to any kids, or making and marketing unisex, gender-neutral (I prefer that more than unisex) clothing and other things for children.

We need to let children be who they want, but understand that society's pressure will still be there and so change needs to happen for them in our society as well. Watch out for the stores making a difference, and those who are not, yet.

Also, listen especially to the part of the talk where Sweet discusses how un-gendering children's things will NOT cause an apocalypse.

Kids and Toys

Kids are influenced by nearly everything they see, hear, feel and interact with in the world. This includes toys, which are one of the biggest influencers, since they are something given to children as early as infant-age, when hands can finally hold. But something that has been happening over the last several decades is affecting the way that children play and the way they see themselves: the gendering of toys. There is pink, there is blue, but only one gender can play with either. Or so society says. This blog is to open up discussion about healthy toy and plaything habits that parents can have, to give their children imagination and free reign of who and what they want to be. If a little girl likes pink and princesses, that's fine! That's what my mom says I was until age 10. If a boy wants to play with trucks, that's great. But if a boy wants a doll and girl wants an airplane, that also needs to be accepted.

Some topics that will be discussed in future posts include:

• The theming of toys and therefore a lack of free play
• Toys that help development, not just entertainment
• Why watching for stores that still heavily gender toys is important
• How parents can teach their children about gender in society, with certain playthings

And more. Read on and see what you have to learn, and offer, in this important discussion all parents should be thinking about.